would you go to COP again?

(again, why am i writing this when i have assignments to do but never mind)

sometimes people ask me if i would go again to COP. especially if i had enjoyed my experience there and learnt so much, why wouldn’t i?

i don’t know. there’s this funny feeling in me that doesn’t want to go again, a part of me that is still suffering from conference fatigue.

in a way, perhaps a part of me doesn’t want to commercialise the experience by going one year after another. it was so fun bonding with kate and rishika. it brings indescribable hope and joy to hear advocates speak up on climate solutions.

and yet i’m afraid that if i go again i will taint that first feeling of exhilaration. (it's like nature -- people first admire her beauty, but when love turns into lust, they start to take more for their self-benefit rather than for the good of the community. when your principles waver: you started out with loving nature like everyone else. i don't want to do something like that.) i’m afraid that i will make the experience seem like something everyone should pine for, year after year. i’m afraid that if i go again i will not be holding true to the principles that i personally strongly believe in. i will start to question what i am doing there, and feel more guilty than happy.

because the biggest takeaway i had from COP was that real climate solutions are those outside of COP, happening on the ground. and so while i will always be inspired by my international friends, it is a place i cannot keep going back. i must go, and set out to do what i need to do.

i'm still open to going COP again --- it depends on what role i'm going to play there. if going there is for the same reasons as i did in the past, that is, to learn, then i would rather someone else who hasn't experienced that before, experience that. maybe if i'm going there to organise a pavilion or lead certain activities then perhaps it would be different and the whole learning experience would be transformative again. but for now, not knowing exactly and clearly what new purpose i have when i go, i'm content to not apply again.